Donkey Kong 64: The Unsold Copy
(As told by Zach "PsychicPebbles", Chris "Oney", Corey "Spazkid", Shadbase.org, and Mick "Ricepirate" on the SleepyCabin Podcast, S2:E14, "The Hospital Episode - Pasta Edition.")
It was a nice, bright, sunny day. I had just got my weekly allowance, and I really wanted to buy a game.
My father fucked me in the ass, but it was a bright, sunny day, so I didn't care that much. I was at a garage sale with my mom, and I bought a copy of Donkey Kong 64. "Wow!" I said, "I cannot wait to play this one!"
My mom handed me the cartridge. I noticed that it was missing something. It no longer had a label, but it did have something written on it, called "Donkey Kong 64: The Unsold Copy." Behind it, I turned the cartridge over, and to my surprise the real Shigeru Miyamoto signed it.
I was so excited to have that signature. I got on my two-wheeler and rode it really fast back home. I didn't even bother to drive into the garage, I just jumped right off my bike and threw my bike into the lawn like they do like in those shows. I ran into the house, and I popped that sucker into the Nintendo 64, put on the play button, and got ready for a special treat.
This is when I first noticed something was wrong. When I put in the cartridge, I felt it lock in, and I never noticed any other games do that before. I tried taking it out, but it wouldn't come out at first, so I just figured maybe there was a little piece of plastic sticking out, but I just let it slide. So I turned on the game, and there it is, the old logo I used to remember a year ago when I was two!1
The DK rap started playing, but something was off about it. The lyrics were all jumbled, and their eyes were glitching up, but I just shrugged it off and pressed start, ready to relive some of my childhood memories.
I looked past the DK rap. I said, "Time to play my favourite game." I started a new file up, and usually when Donkey Kong sees a banana he says, "Ohhh, banana," but he did not this time. He said, "OOOOOOOOO, banana," but it sounded like a little boy screaming, I couldn't quite make it out all the way. That's when I turned around and saw my mom in red face paint.
Knocking my mother off, she was being goof as usual, I started it up. Just like I remember it, the pan in with the bird and everything. You guys know the rest. Cranky Kong told me I had to go get the three barrels, so I can learn the basics: climbing, breaking barrels, and jumping, but something strange happened. After Cranky told me my mission, the barrels were nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find the barrels. Confused, I entered the banana hoard, hoping to find
something
to do.
After entering the banana hoard, I noticed the screen was a lot darker than usual. I tried to adjust the TV brightness, but for some reason, it stayed as dark as it was. Then I got the idea that I would get on Skype and contact my friends, and ask them if they knew anything about this banana sound that Donkey Kong made, as well as the glitch-y eyes, the jumbled lyrics of the rap, my mom in redface behind me, and the missing barrels that Cranky spoke of. As I stood there on Skype, after pressing enter, I waited. Ten seconds later, I saw my friend was beginning to type, as the three little dots began to bounce, but then they stopped. Whatever he was going to write, he never sent me. So I went back to the game, but now...
Now I realised something was very wrong. The screen had gotten darker, even more so than before, but this is when things really started to shake me up. I looked into the corner of the screen and I noticed something was happening, so I made Donkey Kong walk over there. To my utter and complete shock, a 3D model of King K. Rool started rising out of the terrain, but he had no textures, he was purple. He faced my character and had no animations, he was just T-posing. He slowly moved towards Donkey Kong, and I made Donkey Kong move the other direction as fast as I could.
I watched in terror as my favourite monkey hero got torn to shreds and was screaming in agony. I couldn't help but cry a little as I saw Donkey Kong's ribcage burst open by King K. Rool's claws.
That's when I saw it. I screamed. I turned the game off. I took it back. I reset the game. I tried to pull it out but I couldn't, so I gave it another go. All that appeared on the screen was a photorealistic dead monkey with flies buzzing around it. It looked like somebody had already killed a monkey and put a tie on it. I didn't know what to do.
I grasped at my heart. It started to beat faster and faster. Suddenly the picture zoomed out, and I was greeted to the Nintendo opening from the GameCube game Luigi's Mansion. You know the one. NINTENDO. The zoom-out suddenly showed that the banana hoard wasn't where I remembered it. The bananas were rotten, dripping ooze of some kind, and the face? Well, that was actually a face that was stabbed by a stick with all the other King Kong heads. You know, Stinky Kong, Candy Kong, Lanky.
Lanky was crucified like Jesus.
Crucified at the top, Crispy Kong and Cookie Kong. They were all dead! Ripped apart, and the purple King K. Rool, hoarding over his hoard of bananas, making loud static noises.
Needless to say, I shit my pants. Fine, he shit his diapers, fucking jumped up, ran back to his room, crying. He went back to go tell his friend what had happened. Oh shit. Fine! I shit myself. I jumped up, shit everywhere.
I filled my diaper to the brim.
Fine. I poopied myself. Poopy-doopy everywhere! Mommy so mad redface mom! Mommy yell screamy-screams! I run, I run, I'm so fast! I go to my room, I Skypey-Skype! Fuck you, Mick! I want to end this story the way it needs to be ended!
This was when my Skype finally messaged me back. I ran over to my computer, and there was my friend, being held by the hair by King K. Rool himself. Only my friend didn't have his usual body beneath his head. He was decapitated! And it was followed by text that said, "This is real."
Then, then, finally, my TV flickered. Text appeared. "This is only a demo, but thank you for playing my game please play when it comes out, Shigeru Miyamoto, signed, officially, I hope you like this game, I hope you like it, it is not complete, please be nice."